Flash Forward

Let's flash forward to a happy six year old boy. Much of what we experienced in the beginning proved to be a rocky road. We got over mourning our past life and we've learned to take life one day at a time. Our child's behaviors were validated by several day cares and brought him an early diagnoses of ADHD and most likely Tourettes disorder. Living with high anxiety can give you high anxiety and we cope one day at a time.

Is There Hope?

One day in the midst of tears I turned to the Internet for support thinking that there must be someone out there who would understand. I didn't know of anyone in the same situation and I needed to talk to someone. I made a big mistake because I took my tears to an adoption board. No one understood how I was feeling, an unhappy mom, this could not be possible.  I know now that I was experiencing post adoption depression.

Is there hope for unhappy Mom??
Hi I'm 44 and I am adopting my nephew who is 18 mos. He is the son of my 57 yr old brother who passed away and his drug addicted girlfriend. He was raised by my 70 yr old aunt since he was born, because she was a licensed foster care parent. I have a 27 and a 20 yr old daughters and I never wanted any more children. I've been married since I was 16. We've had Joey for two and a half months and I sometimes cry as I mourn my old life. I always felt young until now. I'm suffering an age crisis and my husband and I miss each other and the way things were. We love our little guy but his demanding ways are driving us crazy!! Sometimes I wish I could wake up from this dream to find things the way they were. I feel that I've been so responsible in life since such a young age. I know there is a light at the end of this toddler tunnel but right now it is so much worse then I thought it would be. I own my own business and must depend on daycare which he loves. I have a cleaning lady once a week but this does not take care of the everyday crumbs and prints and extra laundry. We love and take care of this little boy with every piece of our hearts. I'm so depressed!! I'm just a mess!! HELP!!
__________________We never know what the future holds for us!!

But, Boutiquegirl...

you're feeling sorry for yourself! Yes, I understand that an 18 month old can be quite a handful!But having him at day care and having a maid?! Please! Get real! I'm sorry that you weren't a little more realistic in your decision to adopt him...knowing already what kids are like...and how set in your ways you seem to be, but it sounds like you're resenting him and the chaos that he's brought to your life. Get this resentment and self-pity in check before he starts to feel it! I'm sorry if I'm not giving you the support you're wanting here...I'm 42 and haven't had the opportunity to have 20 some year old children (or any children for that matter), and am looking forward to having the privilege of having a newborn bring chaos to our home. It's not your son's fault that you didn't go into this situation with your eyes wide open. Send your son off to daycare, have a scotch, put your feet up and watch the maid clean the toilets...perhaps your reality will float on by!

Boutiquegirl,

I won't be quite as blunt as the poster above. You said you "were adopting." Does that mean the adoption is not final and still in process? I know how hard it is to make decisions that seem right for everyone but yourself. Perhaps "doing the right thing" in this situation means letting someone else adopt this child - someone who truly wants a child and who is ready to make the sacrifices that entails. Otherwise if you're truly doing this because you think you have to and if your heart isn't committed 110%, you are doing the child a grave disservice. Give him a chance to be the light and joy of someones life. Give yourself a chance to live the life you need.

Okay, yes I admit this is a pity party for myself. I also must say unless you walk in my shoes you may not understand the transitional depression that I'm in. I am honest about daycare and that my house gets cleaned once a week because I want you to know that I do have help. My husband and I would not send this little boy back!! We spend every minute we can playing with him and taking care of his needs and loving him. Is it a sin for me to mourn my old life? It took us eight months and many hoops to get my baby out of the system. I'm just being honest about a depression I'm going through. I tell myself to suck up those tears when I feel them coming. I say my prayers about it too. Just thought maybe someone here has had a similar transitional experience. Thanks for the slap anyway. In one sense I need it, but really I could use some understanding.

Dear Boutiquegirl:
I didn't mean my post as a slap either. It seems as if I misread your first post. Instead of hearing the feelings of depression and loss you are experiencing, I focused only on the demands and resentments. Personally, I think it's terrific that you are able to get help with cleaning and childcare. It sounds like you are experiencing an episode of depression. If the symptoms have persisted more days than not for two weeks, then it would be a good idea to seek professional help. Therapy is one of the best tools we have to help ourselves when everything else isn't working. As you know, what you're dealing with is life-altering and very difficult. It certainly merits seeking the help of a psychologist - if for no other reason, then to be able to talk about these issues and to find out if anti-depressant medications might be helpful.Best wishes to you and your family.

A Rocky Start

I became Joey's mom in my heart immediately. It was as if I had given birth to him myself but this didn't make the transition any easier for us. It had only been two weeks when Joe and I sat on our bed and cried. Had we made a huge mistake? It didn't matter because this was our new life. What made us think that Joey would adapt to our wonderful life without a hitch? This was supposed to be a time of great joy. Everyone was so happy for us, but us.

A New World For Joey

Joe and I were excited to bring Joey home to his new world. In our minds we had created a place that a child would love right off the bat. Our friends threw us a baby shower and Joe and I decorated Joey's new room with zoo animals in pastel colors. I just knew everything would be better once we were home. We touched down in Tampa with a sense of relief that the flight was over. At home things were more relaxed. Joey was feeling free and happy as he explored his room. He seemed a little wobbly for his age but I reminded myself that he was a preemie and that it was normal for him to be a bit behind. As day turned to night Joey started to scream as he wandered through the house looking for rooms he couldn't find, rooms that he remembered but no longer existed. We felt helpless...

Do I Look Like My Baby's Grandma?

Grand Parents? Those words kept ringing in my ears. Do I look like my baby's Grandma? I impatiently waited for this day and I wanted to be happy but now I was second guessing myself. During the flight our tired little boy couldn't sleep even though it was obviously nap time. During our ten month wait Joe and I took numerous trips to Maryland so that Joey would know us, yet he was miserable during most of the flight. Was it his ears? Was he off schedule? Was he afraid? At sixteen months and only twenty one pounds, his small frame was in constant motion on Joe's lap. Our girls were different when they were this age. They would be content to take a nap during a flight. Everyone says boys are different. Maybe little Joey was tired of being restrained, after all he was still a new walker. The trip home was awkward and we were obviously out of practice, after all it had been over twenty years since we cared for a baby.

The Decision

We made the decision to adopt my nephew at my brother Paul's funeral. My aunt Lois (Joey's foster parent at the time) was holding him. At the time his name was Vincent and he was five months old. I think everyone felt a tug on their heart at the sight of my aunt holding Paul's son. This was the moment that I knew I would raise this baby, and to my surprise Joe felt the same way. I wish the decision was made sooner. Up to this point I thought the idea of starting over with a baby was ludicrous, we were too old and our daughters were grown.

This baby needed parents. Joe and I are good parents. I know that Paul wanted us to raise his baby. Now I wish I could have told him before he died.

Life Change

It was a day that would change our lives forever. Joe and I were bringing Joey home from Maryland to Florida where he would live with us as our child. He was sixteen months old. As we waited at the airport for our plane to board we couldn't help but notice we were surrounded by Asian families. During a bit of small talk we found out they were part of a large group going to Florida to take a Disney cruise. When it was time to board we proudly scooped up our little boy and took a place in line. It took us ten months of red tape to get to this moment and we were very excited to get home and start our new life. As we stood in line an Asian woman looked over and smiled and then she said "Grandparents?"